Tagnature

I.

Prologue

One (K)night’s Loss

Fuck off.
No, wait, stay!
Yup, there it is.
A tone has been set.
Lube down before buckling up.
Just as you’ve been doing for the whole of your miserably happy/happily miserable life, mix and match if/when it suits you. [Example: lube up before buckling down.] It’s all leading to the same destination anyway.
Mostly, all of this was written long before today, by the way; thus, should you find yourself overheating between the ears and/or leaping/subscribing to self-indulgent/-fulfilling conclusions/prophecies, you importantly adventurous and intelligently flexible reader you, maybe go ahead and chill out—don’t allow the present tense to fool ya.
Don’t let yourself get stuck in the past, either.

Tension builds as pressure mounts.

Feel it?
You don’t wanna miss this.
Doubt you know what I mean by that.
Make no assumption other than that you truly might know nothing.
Doubt you know what I mean by that, too.
I know “nothing” all too well.

Look, try to keep up.
Follow along.
Anyway…

Hi!
I hate everyone, but I love you already; so, having processed your sudden collection of a clarified perspective—if you’ll allow my bold presumption this early on in the narrative flow that has been brewing evidently since around the beginning of last August [2019]; give or take somewhere between twenty-four years and our entire cosmic calendar—reconsider the first sentence, the subject of which is “(You)” {whatever that/this means}.
Just don’t go anywhere.

We’re sure this can{not} be deciphered.
The both of us are grammatically minded sticklers.

In case it’s not (already) obvious, yes, you’re reading more than one author/voice—each coming from utterly unique (yet uncannily like-minded) viewpoints—as well as a cooperatively combined wavelength running straight down the pipe.

(Where else?)

One reason being: accuracy holds immense value.
Written language must be elevated, and somebody’s gotta do it.
I’m striving to become more human. She’s helping me.
Have you figured out how this works yet?

Hang in there.
This is where we meet.
We (all) learn from one another.
English has arisen as the key to understanding.
Of every language that ever communicated, English is the one.

Suck a dick, French.
Trust me. Better yet, trust her.
I was born on the second of July in the year 1920, and theoretically I’ve only experienced about 33% of my (body’s) potential lifespan.
This is the part where I tell my future self happy birthday from the past.
Assuming I live through tonight.
And the next night.
Plus the day after.
See how similar we are?

The universe exhibits a snaking flow by which we each ought to abide lest we die prematurely.
Full stop.

In devout observation of this universal truth, never shall we leap from one side to the other without first making a pitstop in the middle. At least, not in this “book.” No, the pattern will hold.
(In case you missed it, you’re near the beginning of chapter one.)

Truly!

(Probably.)

Our voice{s} seem to be (e)merging.
Consider yourself invited to get lost as hell.
Upon the entries following herefrom, traditional indentation does not fit.

That’s why you’ll find it absent in that regard.

In the sequel(s), who knows(!)?
Are we redefining the concept of novelization?

Don’t look at me.

It’s all up to you.

Also, topics will be subject to change, seemingly at random, but nothing is exactly what it seems, is it now?

Only recently have we truly learned that.

Every/any story has two opposing sides. That’s why magnets work. That’s how scales function. And then there’s the third point of view, the space in the spectrum where tales converge, overlap, tighten and twist, also known as the truth.

Once upon a blip, our story begins, and you might (not).

Believe.

This.

Shit.

Until you do, that is.
It’s high time to be/get real.

Of course I’ll start. Ello again!
Let’s break some frozen water, shall we?
Unless I think exposing my bare feet would risk frostbite or make someone noticeably uncomfortable, I’m wearing neither shoes nor socks. Hell nah. Blech! So unnatural and restrictive and fever-inducing, frankly.
Vaguely put, I grew up out of doors. As one of many results, I can walk across jagged gravel without the slightest hint of a wince.
Your piggies need to breathe, my lovelies.
Don’t sacrifice your health in the name of fashion.
Get your soles dirty; purify your souls. (Aren’t semicolons stupid-useful?)
And a foot can be gross; yet, on occasion, it’s hard to look away from a particular set of tootsies for a widely varying multitude of reasons. My feet, for example {kinda}, are hardly symmetrical.

Always use your imagination.
Even when it hurts, embrace the pain in recognition of future growth.

Okay, okay, okay. Fine. Let’s go back and get all “specific.”
As has become my recent custom, I’m boozing on the job.
Yeah, yeah, put a sock in it. Crazy shite happens momentarily and sobers me right the fuck up for good. I’m sorted now. Ethanol is as poisonous as artificial sugar. I don’t even drink coffee anymore. But on the day in question I started imbibing while neck-deep in the lunch rush after a tubby middle-aged jack-knocker berated me for requesting a phone number in conjunction with his in-person placement of a takeaway order.
Back then, I was always looking for a reason an excuse to get (the British version of) pissed, and the greasy bloke you’re imagining presently supplied me with ample justification; it was as if he thought I was plotting to violate his privacy and possibly hijack his identity. God forbid anyone should attempt to gather and assimilate data in the name of mutual convenience and timely expedition. He also sported {and most likely still sports} a fading tattoo on his forearm featuring the letters: “BORN TO LOOSE.”
Yeah. Such an unoriginal meme.

Note: in the sentence before the four periods prior, “God” is only capitalized because it’s the first word, and that’s the (current) rule.

Since I’m on the clock right now (in your head) as you read this, shoes are being worn onsite (by me, too). “Slippers,” to be precise in my case, made responsibly from trees by a company worth supporting, I’ve reckoned. My feet are sweaty and probably stinky.
This is normal.
Three-fourths into a fifth of bottom-shelf vodka since noon, nearly two hearty porters in the last ten minutes [it’s after 21:00], and I’m not even tit-faced; I’m as functional as anti-chafing balm on a pair of exposed thunder-thighs during a ten-mile hike. I could walk a straight line while looking directly up and reciting the alphabet backwards {only because I’m paranoid and have been practicing for months}.
How disappointing. These days, sobriety is the condition which inebriates my perception. And it’s terribly irritating. Reality has been a spirit-sucking negotiation since I became someone else, but lately it has been trending upward. Finally.

Suppose we should gloss over basic formalities forthwith.

Greetings yet again, ‘tis I, Thierry Nova Tuck, the “black-and-white” human formerly known as Madeleine Abigail Drinkwater, at your service.

And this is us. Here we are.

Oh, uh, me?
I’m basically a “map” to enlightenment.
No big deal.
Don’t worry about it.
Move along.

Humanity’s only potential savior, evidently.

Your eyes might not be the only ones rolling.

Ugh.

I’m changing the subject.
Get this.
I’m terrible at winking.
Speaking of my eyes, I don’t know what weeping feels like.
I seem to remember pretending like I did once, but in truth, I can’t speak from experience.
Forgive me if by chance you feel betrayed.
Heck, suddenly I remember an occasion from about five decades ago when I tried to activate my tear ducts solely because I wanted to know that they worked.
One of my few failures thus far in my virtual century of life.
I’m okay.

Did you catch that?

Never has he [Atlas Ray(burn) Knight] shed a single tear.
Do you understand??
(Y)OUR HERO HAS NEVER CRIED; WTF.
Give him a break—only half his DNA came from a human. (Not joking.)
Anyhoo!
Keeping it real (in retrospect): our chances (of seeing tomorrow) are slim.
I’ve been in hiding for around halfway over half a decade. Powerful people (who are above the law) want to end my life in the misguided name of learned vengeance because of a genetic relation to the sadistic animal who tried to sodomize me but ended up dead (thankfully). I’d have killed him on purpose if I could’ve, but due to a severe imbalance of physical strength in the contest, I couldn’t.
Plus he was hyped up on meth, not to mention psychopathy, I think.
I got lucky.
This is an anecdote which has been told elsewhere. Find it if you dare and/or haven’t already.
For now, we’re focusing on a monumentally eventful night in the story which hasn’t yet been told—not in full, anyway—a turning point of momentous, mythic proportions.
I know: it’s a lot.
A LOT.
And it’s a tale that shall unfold before your very eyes assuming you’ve come equipped with an adept literacy atop a curious nature as well as strong mental capabilities in terms of really unreal projection.

In other words, can you imagine?
Since we’re on the clock, let’s cut to the (literal) chase.

I’ve got one last table to serve—comprised of a few rather large, intimidating men (perfect for a gang-bang/-rape fantasy) who came in fifteen minutes prior to closing [don’t be that person, by the way]—between me and my getaway to The British Virgin Islands.
(Spoiler alert from the future: I didn’t wanna go anyway thanks to a/your/my “boy.”)
Suddenly, by extension, I’m reminded of Éire. Mother’s land. My place of birth. My home turf—one of them, anyway. (Maybe yours, too, ancestrally.) The island whereupon I grew, the reality I once knew, the “incomplete” sentence in which obvious rhyming opportunities go to fuck off and die in an unconventional effort to keep your metaphorical calf muscles engaged.
As I’ve never attempted to leave the U.S. since getting stuck here, I’m a wee bit nervous about my fake ID passing the test.
But also, deep down, somehow, someway, I don’t feel like I’m going on this trip.

A potent thunderstorm (further) materializes.
Welcome to the new hurricane season on the Gulf Coast.

Where was I?
Ah, yes. Brave face. One more table then I’ll be on vacay.
The aforementioned trio of large man-looking mammals [2 very black, 1 very white] occupy a booth on the south [my left (on approach)] side of the restaurant.

Lightning crackles noisily nearby, startling everyone whose blood sports the human genome exclusively.

That means two of us definitely didn’t flinch.
An accomplice (of theirs) must be stationed out front.
Believe me—I know things.

Key.

No one expects fireworks tonight.
Of course they’ll be launched clumsily anyway.

Per Thierry’s disarmingly adorable insistence, I’m listening to music at a volume that pushes the limits of comfort. Her well-cushioned, bulky headphones are quite luxurious, permitting my detection of sounds that might’ve otherwise gone unheard.
Is it the treble?
No, it’s the bass.
Wait, it’s undoubtedly the treble.
Mother of hell, am I high?
I’m already uncomfortable. Fuggit—let’s get louder.
[“Fuggit” is one of many a “Thierryism” which I find incredibly endearing. In other words, the/my girl is precious.]
Much time has elapsed since I enjoyed this level of escapism.
And who is this bewitching songstress? Also how is she setting my loins ablaze?

Meanwhile…
Rain falls. It’s noisy.

I close in on the table of three that separates me from “vacation.”
I see two men male figures I’ve never seen. One man, the most portly of the party, sits with his back to me, his head freshly shaven, as I wobbly approach—only because I’m tired and over it—not even worried about farming their egos for a fat tip. As his facial profile comes into view, I recognize him. It’s a face that has haunted infected my dreams nightmares for years.

In moments such as these, it’s as if time stands still.

This was more or less my path away from the office. I stopped behind the (unlabeled) counter to retrieve ibuprofen from my purse and got distracted looking for my favorite scrunchy, hence the scribble-blob. I can’t handle losing anything, even if I don’t technically need it ever again.

At last, I’ve been found.
Fuck.
I’m dead in the water.
Hold up.
(Or as I like to say purposefully when I’m tryna be cute, “Hode up.”)
Up there, a few lines prior, I wrote, “Fuck.”
That was an understatement.
FUCK.
That’s what I meant.
God, I must’ve played it so cool (for half a second).
After that, in a purely instinctual maneuver, I bolted away and out the back door by the loos, an emergency exit. Honestly not sure whether the alarm activated.
Know how you’ve seen all those delightfully awful slasher flicks and you’re {silently} yelling at the screen for someone to run but they don’t because scary drama?
Yeah, no. I ran like the wind. Immediately.
And I didn’t merely hear them give chase; I kinda sixth-sensed it.
It was loud.

The office, wherein I’m serenading Atlas through a bafflingly underappreciated artist, is missing a wall in this drawing. I was in a hurry, all right? You’re fine. It’s a tight squeeze. Visualize.

Also, get used to rip-roaring good times through the carefully calculated insertion of mid-sentence tense changes and time-jumps if you would/haven’t already.
Ha, good luck.

Outside, it’s pouring.
I have no idea where my instincts will herd my body; I just know that I’m running as fast as my legs will take me away from mortal danger.
I spy a woman drinking coffee behind the wheel of a big cream-colored van. [Later on she’ll be identified as Karen Durr.] Instantly, I know she’s not my friend. No, that’s not specific enough—she is one of my enemies. She spots me, spills java on herself [must’ve been lukewarm] while hurriedly efforting to hop out and pursue. Too late, lady.
(KD has a fun character arc; just you wait; it’ll unravel later.)
My would-be captors did not anticipate the potential of my adrenaline-fueled footspeed. To be fair, neither did I.
At full tilt, I approach a busy highway with no intention of slowing down.
Yeah, I’m terrified.

Shush. I spent way more time on these diagrams than I should have. Probably. I think.

Hmm, have you ever had to run for your life?
Pretty much all “civilized” people have not.
Zero out of ten; do not recommend.
Unless you must, of course.
In which case, go, go, go…

Let’s rewind roughly ten seconds.
Keep in mind that I’m alone in a cramped office behind a closed door.
Thierry’s noise-canceling headphones emit incredibly crisp sounds.
Happily paying boatloads of attention to detail, I listen to her musical recommendation.
Right, she was: I do like.
Probably, the volume is too loud.
But this is bliss at its finest.
Approximately.
I’m drowsy to an irksome degree.
Heck, I could doze off.
But then…
I sense a disturbance so unnerving that I must’ve knocked the cans from my ears onto the grimy tile floor while springing to my feet in the fastest blink your eyelids have ever mustered.
My heart sinks as I detect chaotic distress: a ruckus, screaming, mass confusion, a spooked stampede spilling from the main entrance.
Already I’m certain that a murder has been committed.
I can only hope that the woman of my dreams wasn’t the victim.
A window shatters.
Screams amplify.
My normally steady pulse quickens.

This can’t be happening.

Nope.
Except it is.
Fearing imminent death by way of torturous dismemberment, I’m running across four lanes of traffic in a torrential downpour at night.
And I’m not fleeing from a fellow human. (Didn’t know that at the time.)
It’s as if I can feel him it gaining on me because I CAN FEEL IT GAINING ON ME. [Strikethrough just for Atlas; doubt I’ll be able to maintain throughout; I’m too emotionally driven.]

Belanoc have been clocked in excess of 2 km per minute.
Understanding speciation is key.

Barely, I open the office door. No immediate peril.
A (presently irrelevant) employee hides under the sink, face down, eyes closed, hands cupping her ears. [She had a similar reaction a few weeks ago when a grease fire ignited on the eight-burner range; I’m sure closing her eyes and covering her ears helped somehow.]
A raw-beef-caked meat cleaver on a nearby stainless steel commercial prep table grabs my attention.
Training kicks in. It never fails.
From the cramped office I emerge swiftly, arm myself with the meaty “weapon” and secure the room like a knowledgeable tactician [which I am], headed for a rear point of entry/exit [not the one from which TNT fled], the one connected to the kitchen, the weather-worn door of which flies open ahead of my arrival—I might’ve even flinched, weirdly enough—bringing in a big-boned young lad who boasts the self-assigned nickname “Beaver King,” drenched in both rainwater and dumbfounded fear. (Perhaps you’ve met him.) He’s looking for answers, but I’m kind of busy.
By the way, since I noticed the cleaver, no more than two handfuls of seconds could’ve elapsed.
The owner’s nearly fifty-year-old son’s shaky but somewhat surprisingly collected voice becomes audible; sounds like he’s on the phone with emergency services personnel. He’s called Doyle. He’s also “the manager.”
In anguished desperation, I peek outside, hastily determine that it’s safe enough to exit before darting out and around the building. I’m already drenched. I observe a chase in progress.
There she is, still alive, across the road, looking like an Olympic-caliber sprinter.
And there it is, too—a very big hairy man-shaped creature—in hot pursuit.
This moment marks the second time I’ve seen my arch nemesis in the flesh, not to mention the first time I know that finally he’ll soon catch his initial (and hopefully last) glimpse of me, too.
I’m thinking fast but not aloud: “Don’t look back, Thierry. And veer right. No. Left. To Joan’s. Please.”
Actually, the word please just slipped. This seems significant because I almost never accidentally utter words.
Her inhuman pursuer closes the gap. Ten meters.
I’ve only felt this helpless once.
Now I see a female belanoc entering the mix from the west. This must be Severus’s [that’s the creature’s (assigned) name; it’s also my uncle, incidentally] new procreational plaything.
Thierry. Please. Left. Fuck.
Never have I felt anything like this. I’ll die if she’s killed.
Ah, but then, almost as if we enjoy the hypothetical benefits of true telepathy, she changes her direction of travel on a dime.

A crude depiction of the impact that saved my life.

Not three seconds later, a nondescript sedan clips Severus, deflecting its progress as it skids across the wet road, buying her much-needed time.
[In its case, I refuse to reference my male kinfolk as a “he.” Not this fuck-stick, anyway.]
Two pick-up trucks collide as each attempts to vacate the parking lot simultaneously.
Severus springs back to his feet.
The car that hit my mother’s brother gets trashed by a semi, a wreck which quickly morphs into a five-vehicle pile-up.
I spy a car that must be connected to Sevy as it joins the pursuit.

Things are happening so fast and stuff.

Severus hops over a fancy sports car, which then swerves pointlessly, inciting a separate pile-up. Horns blare after the fact, triggering me briefly because what the hell, people? Think faster—damn.
The five-vehicle pile-up gains three more participants.
Whoever’s in the Miata just bit the dust.
What a mess.
Thierry disappears into a familiar residential building.
A feeling of momentary relief emboldens me. She’s safe for a short while. I set a mental timer for 900 seconds. I think I can save her. I can only imagine the terror she must be experiencing.
And now the highway is a parking lot. That’s actually good.

This is it.
It’s happening.
Sorry, world!

Oh my god. Oh my crap. Oh my fucking shitfuck.
Might’ve pissed myself—not sure—too wet.
Who cares at this point anyway?
Probably about to die. Thanks for the memories, Earth!
Miraculously, I have the wherewithal to summon the lift [a desperate decoy, as it were {which I think might’ve worked}] as I bypass its accommodating access hastily en route to one of two stairwells. Up I go, legs/chest burning like cold hell.
You missed your chance to recruit me, MI6. Better luck next time.

Prepare for anything all you want; without the ability to improvise, ultimately you might get screwed.

I return to the kitchen via the rear entrance, where Beaver King eagerly awaits my arrival, seemingly. Referring to the meat cleaver that I’m still clutching, he queries, “Yo, Bo, should I wash that or…?” [He calls every male “Bo.”
I guess in his head he might spell it “Beau.”
Nah.]
Anyway, “Please do,” I respond.
He gladly takes it off my hands and hurries toward the sink as Doyle approaches. “Oh my goodness, Seth, this is so terrible.” He’s off the phone now and could be barreling toward a full-fledged panic attack. “I think that man might have killed Big Nick and Julian. Kurt keeps passing out. Do you know anything about diabetes??” Yeah, his voice just cracked—hyperventilation imminent.
“Listen carefully,” I instruct.
“I can’t freakin’ believe this.” Damn, 0 for 1.
“Doyle, listen.”
“Seth, a man grabbed Julian by the head and—”
“DOYLE.” Got him. Usually, I neither “strike out” nor yell. When I do yell, it’s loud.
“Joan.”
“What? Who? Why?”
“The lady with the cats named Joann and Joanie. Orders every Saturday. Ring any bells?”
Doyle manages to soggy-burp up a few unintelligible syllables before I’m compelled to add rapidly, “Po’boy, hold the bread, extra pickles and hushpuppies, four sides of thousand island—”
“Yes, okay,” Doyle overlaps. “Joan Smythe. Longtime customer.”
“I need her apartment number as fast as you can get it or Thierry will be kidnapped with murderous intent.”
“Oh, dear holy god in sweet merciful heaven, this is why we shouldn’t live lies.”
Um. The fuck just happened?
“Doyle. Focus. Who delivers on Saturday? BK? Caleb?”
“312.” Off my fleeting look of confusion, Doyle clarifies in shame and near tears, “Building C, apartment 312.” I pause for one less than a second to process this intel’s implication of infidelity [I forgot that I had already made this deduction a while back; ugh; sloppy] before bolting toward the rear of the premises, which prompts him to plead his case (as if anyone cares): “We’ve only ever chatted. I just sit on the chaise lounge by myself. It’s covered in cat hair and I’m mildly allergic. Where are you going? I don’t think you’re supposed to leave. I’m gonna barf. Please, holy Christ…”
He definitely vomits soon after that.
Doyle strikes me as a fellow who pukes noisily and starts crying roughly halfway through the expulsion.
No matter—I’m already long gone.

A few minutes pass.
Maybe longer.
Maybe not.

I park my budget street racer, a faded black 1997 Subaru Impreza [it’s a clever aspect of my alias], as diagonally as possible from the breezeway adjacent to the one into which Thierry disappeared about six minutes ago. I’m fiddling with one of my current five cellular devices in an almost assuredly awkward act to conceal the reality that, in actual fact, I am surveying the surroundings while plotting an impromptu rescue operation.
Plus, hopefully, as a bonus byproduct, I can lop off my uncle’s head in the process.
A cream-colored van with half-tinted windows in the middle of the lot nabs my focus. Can’t see anybody inside, but I’m positive that the van means trouble.

Did I mention that my writing hand is broken? First bone I ever fractured. It happens later in this action-packed yarn. I’m fine; it’s just highly inconvenient.

The storm has only barely relaxed; nonetheless—and for tactical reasons that will become evident later (if you’re paying attention)—I pop the trunk, roll down all four windows then casually step out of the car, leaving the key in the ignition, and nonchalantly amble the long way around to access the trunk.
Why did I take the scenic route? Not entirely sure. I’m probably doing it wrong, but I wasn’t trained to rescue “damsels in distress.” Usually my math-rooted judgment features an immunity to heartfelt attachment. Familiar though it may seem (to me) on paper and in practice, a heretofore foreign emotional variant makes this operation scarily challenging to process/gauge/execute.
See, when it comes to her, I’m involved, invested, conflicted, bound, and determined.
Indeed, she will be mine.
I open the trunk, reach in and come away cradling a pile of tattered old quilts {or so it appears}. Next, I shut the trunk and, still in character, stumble [I guess I’m trying to appear marginally intoxicated; not sure] approximately seventy meters into the farthest building’s breezeway.
I’m aware that someone’s watching, and blowing my cover now would mean no less than a double homicide, probably.
And yes, given my supposed destination, I’ve chosen a suboptimal parking spot, but I’m supposed to be hammered or whatever/something.
I hope this works.
Are your fingers crossed?

Fast forward 33 seconds.
Give or take.
One.
Max.

On the rear side of the residential complex, behind the building labeled “B,” I stand under a climbable tree in a poorly lit area, scanning the perimeter, now holding a single quilt, in which my trusty blade, Halcyon, a heavy, two-handed weapon I forged (and named) myself back home in The Rockies many decades prior, is loosely wrapped in her battle-tested sheath.
I glance all around one last time.
The coast is clear (if you discount the weather).
I equip Hal on my back in order to free up my hands.
Then, with the ease {but not necessarily the grace} of a panther, I scale the tree to a branch from which a leap onto the adjacent roof promises a quiet, safe landing.
Fifteen feet across. Here we go.

Fast forward two seconds and not a single second more.
The rain has let up, by the way, but would still soak you thoroughly within twenty seconds of exposure.
Lightning splinters marvelously across the night sky over the ocean.

Jump complete. Opposite of difficult.
Keeping a low profile, I draw my sword and scoot to the edge of the roof, look down, adjust by a few feet (to the left) then drop onto a particular balcony and stick an impressively quiet landing.
I rarely toot my own horn. Less than rarely. Virtually never.
But damn. Nailed it.
I’m on the balcony undetected.
Since dark, thick curtains have been drawn, I am unable to see (clearly) inside the unit into which I intend to gain access.
Just felt my teeth grit.
Uncertainty and indecision lead to hesitation at the sliding glass door.
Finally, I knock quietly, holding Halcyon below my waist and behind my back, ready to strike with an uppercut that would split any earthborn torso in half.
Movement detected.
Not sure I’ve ever felt this kind of adrenaline.
Okay, now I’m sure; I haven’t.
Wait. Am I sure?
I wait.
Curtains move to my left.
Most definitely, I’ve been seen, but by whom, I can’t be certain.
My grip on the hilt tightens.
A few seconds later, the door is opened from the inside, revealing a distraught, confused, quivering Thierry. Her cheeks are bright red and laden with fresh tear-streaks. She’s a nervous wreck tightly clutching her phone, which must’ve been in her back pocket, as usual.
She can’t believe I’m standing (t)here.
She doesn’t know it, but I have her.
That’s correct—she’s mine.

Thank. Fucking. God.

Disregard the star; I was practicing pointlessly.

Atlas enters and slides the door shut behind him. He recognizes Joan, who’s on the phone with a fairly nice lady in response to our dangerous situation of unbelievable emergency.
Joan’s hodgepodge of furniture and decor are either hand-me-downs, flea market or yard sale finds, and there’s enough to crowd a living space triple the size of this one.
Confused, I wonder, “How did you get out there?”
“Via the roof.”
“How did you get on the roof??”
“A tree.” (He’s not being a smart-ass; I know him.)
And, uh, I’m just staring at him with a bewildered look on my face. He understands.
At the same time, Joan levels her gaze in awe at his big-ass blade. “Is that a broadsword or a claymore?” She’s a fan of weaponry, apparently.
“More or less.”
“It’s so dang shiny. Did you recently polish it?”
“Yes.”
He sheaths the sword.
“With what? The tears of God? Unicorn semen?”
Funniest shit Joan Smythe ever blurted.
But Atlas ignores her, intently locking eyes with me as if time is of the utmost essence, which it is.

Always, it is. Now more than ever.

“We need to talk.” I think I almost smile at his understatement, but I’m pretty sure I do nothing except nod because the only other bodily actions I’m presently capable of expressing are ugly-crying or esophageal volcanism or both simultaneously. “But first we gotta get outta here.”
“The police should be here any minute,” Joan interjects.
“I need you to trust me,” Atlas continues. His eyes say so much to me—not in terms of details, but the underlying gravity of emotional truth bespeaks a reality I can’t mistake.

Our soul is one.

Joan responds to the 911 dispatcher, “He works down the street with Thierry.”
Atlas urges me, “Please listen to me so that I can either save your life or die trying.”
“Seth, I don’t think you understand.”
“My name is not Seth.”
With this admission, Atlas seizes control of the room’s attention. Even a cat rubs against his leg. Slut.
Joan responds to the dispatcher’s question over the phone, “I don’t know. What’s taking so long?”
I have no idea what I’m supposed to do right now—constantly on the verge of collapsing and sobbing and accepting a bittersweet surrender to gory death. My head is down, but I am not moving forward.
With two fingers, Atlas gently lifts up my chin and peers into my very essence. “Thierry, please. We are not safe here.”
I’m an emotionally tormented snot factory. And somehow I’m finding time to worry about how swollen my eyes must be right now. “You don’t understand what’s happening.” Gosh, how silly of me. He understands everything.
He assures me, “We can catch up later. Presently we have to run.”
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”
“We are in the same boat,” he points out. “I also have some explaining to do. But you do know me, and I know you. And I know you know that.”
Tears swell in my longing eyes as they fixate upon the urgent fire in his.
He’s right; never isn’t.
Then Joan kills our vibe when she activates speakerphone and the dispatcher chimes in: “Do not listen to that man. The police will be arriving within minutes and they will help you. Ms. Smythe, put that man on the phone.” Joan approaches Atlas and offers him the phone, but it’s as if he doesn’t even see her.
His eyes remain latched onto mine.
The dispatcher adopts a stern tone: “Sir, can you hear me? Interfering with police business—”
A knock-knock at the door prompts Atlas to snatch the phone and end the call by crushing it with his bare hand.
Well then. My thoughts were already racing, but now they’re extra dizzying. Despite my mental over-stimulation, his dread becomes immediately evident, and I feel it, too.
Can’t tell whether Joan finds herself offended or turned-on.
Another knock, this time, a sequence of three, each separated by an unnerving amount time, the final one hitting harder than the previous two. Can you hear it? Knock, count to two, knock, count to three, knock.
Mmhmm, this is bad.
Atlas preps Joan with a look that underscores the dire seriousness of our predicament before whispering, “Very, very quietly, look through the peephole then tell me what you see.”
“Okay, yeah, shit, man.” She’s being semi playful. She doesn’t get it. I feel terrible. She steals a glance at me which plainly illustrates her suddenly keen understanding of my intense attraction to the superhuman in our midst.
I feel guilty about it now, but at the time I remember thinking, “Bitch, I will cut you.”
I WAS GOING THROUGH SOME CRAZY SHIT, OKAY?
However, real talk, I will cut a bitch. I’m not joking.

We should be closer here.

Atlas posts up around the corner down the short hall from the front door as I drift away trembling until running into the coffee table, which scares the ever-loving shit outta me, but somehow I manage not to scream bloody murder.
Meanwhile Joan tiptoes to the peephole and takes a gander. “Nobody out there,” she whispers loudly as fuck, and literally I facepalm.
Urgently, Atlas silently directs me to a position that should allow him to intercept any assailant who breaches the point of entry currently drawing our collective attention with elevating concern. [No, I didn’t deduce his logic in the moment; I was just complying because he seemed to know what he was doing and a minute ago he wadded up a goddamn phone like it was a piece of paper.]
As we watch in horrified disbelief, Joan opens the door and looks right then left. (I might’ve sharted at this point.) She politely waves at someone down the hall then comes back inside.
Joan fancies herself a good actress actor. She’s not.
She also thinks she can sing. Which, she can, technically, but not well.
She locks, chains, deadbolts the door, remains there.
“What did you see?” Atlas whispers very, very quietly.
“Albino Sasquatch?” Joan’s way too casual, doesn’t know any better, and quite honestly, neither do/did I.
But when she said that, his legs nearly buckled.
“He kinda smiled and waved.” Joan shrugs.
I feel like I’m about to faint. I wanna quit; this is bullshit.
Staring through the peephole, Joan brandishes a basic firearm that neither of us knew she had been holding. She looks back, signals to us with a confident hand—I think she even winked; god help her—as if she’s about to save us by exercising her 228-year-old constitutional right to bear arms.
Dread grips me as I slump on the floor into a quivering puddle of emotional defeat.
Aiming her once-secret firearm at the door, Joan slowly backpedals, taking herself far too seriously.
Atlas extends his hand. “Come with me.”
With {t}his genuine gesture, while looking into his multicolored eyes, it’s as if I’m stargazing as unbearable mental turmoil yields to blind faith.
This is a moment I’ll never forget.
Inexplicably, my respiration normalizes.
I might be hypnotized; not sure.
Or dreaming, perhaps.
In any case, I take his hand and rise to my feet right when Joan’s front door basically fucking EXPLODES via the tremendous force generated by the monstrous bulldozer known as Severus Rex. He’s huge, well-fed, angry, and sweating profusely. Looks to be about 45 or so, but in reality, he’s a lot older—at least 15.1111111 times that number roughly, in fact, I think. (Keep a calculator handy!)
Joan manages to squeeze off an inconsequential round or two before Severus tramples her (to death, unfortunately [he purposely stomps on her face]) and spots me frozen in shock.
Luckily, he can’t see Atlas, who’s already against the wall around the corner lying in wait, ready to strike. Seriously, zero clue how he got there so fast; thought I was still holding his hand.
Severus moves to apprehend me and/or eat my brain on the spot, but the moment his enormous left boot steps technically from hallway into living room, Atlas attacks in a vicious, upward stabbing thrust.

Joan was actually about halfway down the hall. Oops. Tears sabotaged my sight (and fatigue impacted my memory) when I drew this one. Poor Joan.

Glimpsing the danger peripherally, Severus instinctively dodges and is successful (to an extent) as Halcyon misses its mark of piercing through the chin and obliterating the brainstem but still does considerable damage when it plunges through his shoulder and erupts from his back along with a dense jet of dark blood.
Severus roars and unhinges long thin fangs as his eyes transform from black and empty to a glassy, milky color accented by a fiery red tint—all the damn defense mechanisms at once.
Ah, okay.
Fangs.
Like…actually.
Cool.
Plus what in the fresh, bloody hell!?
Atlas tugs the buried blade, which slimes its way out of Severus looking like an oily dipstick.
Despite having been terrifically blindsided by the earth-shattering power of this encounter, Severus senses the hypothetically immediate danger of letting Atlas remove Halcyon from his body, so he grabs the sword and pulls it back into him. I mean, what a hardcore savage, no?
Atlas makes an agonizingly difficult, snap decision and kicks Severus in the gut with all his might, sending him sprawling backward into the third floor’s main hallway and onto his giant butt.
Atlas eyes his long-cherished weapon helplessly, knowing full well that he can’t recover it—at least not tonight.
Severus stares at his nephew, his hatred unmistakable. I think he might’ve said something in another language; I keep forgetting to ask {perhaps because I feel like either it’s none of my business or I don’t wanna know}.
Atlas grabs me in a frantic rush and ushers us out the back door onto the balcony. I sense that he feels bad about manhandling me, but he has little choice given that I’m paralyzed by shock and fear and whatnot.
Plus it’s kinda hot. You know, looking back.
No, I couldn’t possibly have known all this in the moment as it transpired in real time [now a memory {duh}]; he told me later.
He tells me quite a lot.
Don’t be overly jealous; he’ll speak to you, too, if you’re open-minded.
Outside on the balcony, he scans the environment, glances down over the railing. “Hold on tight,” he tells me.
Don’t worry, babe; I will. Forever.
Before I can second-guess his pure intention, he grabs my left armpit with his right hand, jumps and hoists me over the railing in another ridiculous display of strength and drops with me off the balcony. Using his free arm/hand, he stops our fall by catching the railing on the balcony below.
Can you picture this? It’s hard to describe. I can’t even try to illustrate it. So dumb. I’m just staring at him in amazed awe—can’t even be arsed to worry that he’s super-monkeying us both toward the ground with one arm.
He releases his grip, and again we fall, and again he catches us on the next balcony.
Now he lifts me above his position on the Y axis. Maybe my brain could overheat and stroke out at any moment. He lets go and I hear myself mini-yelp. He lands hard on his feet but catches me softly in his arms.
Like…no. I mean, what?? Just wait until you see it reenacted dramatically in a television series or something. Essentially, he raised me up so that he could hit the ground first and not only break my fall but also orchestrate my soft landing.
Oh, I’m falling, all right. More and more every day.
“Now I just need you to run,” he explains. “Can you do that?” I nod, too discombobulated not to just…go with it.
You know?
He leads the way along the back of the building.

His path wasn’t that squiggly, and mine wasn’t that straight.

Atlas peeks around the side of the structure and spots another fanged beast, this one a lesbian-looking, sloppy rage-eater, I’d wager confidently, closing in on the stairwell at the other side of the building ahead of us. He thinks fast [he does that; so cute] before leading me into the southern stairwell door of the middle building.

Not sure how we didn’t get spotted here. Or maybe we did. I’m shrugging IRL.

Yup, we find ourselves back inside the complex we’re trying to escape.
We come to a solid metal door that opens into the first story’s hallway. He calculates our next move. His brain moves at lightspeed.

So, too, does yours.
No, really!
Don’t even worry about not being able to keep up.
Keep exercising.

“We need help.” This particular utterance probably commemorates the first time I’ve ever forgiven myself (at the time) for whining.
He hates the call he’s about to make; I can tell. “We’re probably about to sprint down this hallway as fast as you can, okay?”
Did you catch that? As fast as “you” can. So much comfort derived from such a simple word choice because it tells me that he will not leave me behind.
Aye, I’m in love, but sssh. It’s not the right time to confess/profess.
This sucks, though. I’m scared. Come on, door number one, no whammies. He cracks the door for a peek. Hallway empty. Atlas urges, “We gotta go. Right now. Ready?”
I mean, hell, I guess I have to be. I nod.
Together, we run.

In my youth, I never lost a 50-meter dash. Or a sack race. Or a 100-meter dash. Or a 200. Lost a 400 in sixth grade and cried about it.

Once again, I can barely breathe. I feel like crumbling. I don’t know why I’m not waking up from this obvious nightmare.
We achieve our goal. He opens the next door. Another stairwell. Empty. The door after that opens into another breezeway. So many damn doors. Squinting slightly, he listens with extraordinary focus, assessing the risk. He’s worried about telling me, “We gotta get across into the next building.”
I knew it. Ugh! But I nod in willing compliance.
Across we go. He arrives first, enters quickly, carefully, readily, and holds the door for me then shuts it quietly.

I plan on never returning to this PTSD-inducing hellhole.

And now here we are at yet another stupid door to another stupid hallway. He glances at me; I know what he’s thinking; he asks with his eyes.
“No,” I pout. Suddenly I’m the biggest whiner in all of Whinyland.
Have you ever been pursued by belanoc? It is not fun.
“I’ll explain as soon as we’re safe, but right now I need you to run. Okay? Now, Thierry. I’ll be right beside you. Go.”
With all the bravery I can rouse, I start with a whimper and run as fast as I can down this motherfuckin’ hallway; Atlas remains tight on my heels and takes the lead as we arrive at the opposite (and last possible) stairwell door. He opens it quietly and we enter.

Incidentally, our arrows point north. (Meanings.)

Immediately upon entry, we hear footsteps above on the way up. We freeze and don’t breathe. Atlas takes one silent step then glances up, sees nothing aside from stairs and concrete, hears a door open and tracks the footsteps (away from us) down the hallway two floors up.
God, he’s amazing. An organic machine. I know he’s only half galacian/human, but still, holy shit.
Oh, and he’s mine.
He’s yours, too, in a weird way.
We’ll get to all that eventually, I hope.
Atlas explains with haste, “My car is parked near the north entrance about forty-five meters away. We will run to it momentarily.”
I’m struggling to catch my breath, and I’m in really excellent (cardiovascular) shape.
He cracks open the door for a quick glance. “We have to go immediately.”
“Fine; I’m just not sure what north means right now.”
Kindly, he clears it up with a finger-point.
I nod along with the issuance of a futile attempt at drawing a deeply productive pull of oxygen. Fail.
“Let’s go.” Sans hesitation, he leads me outside, pauses at the east corner of the building, looks and listens with tremendous hyper-vigilance.
Quaking in my boots slippers, I spot his car; accordingly, I whisper, “I see Nimmy.”
I named his car weeks ago. (“Nimmy” as in “Jeutron”; I’ve never seen the movie that led to the moniker—fuck, my brain can be a handful.) Ya see, I tend to name things.
Dear god, I need to stop talking so much.

To say the least, we are not fans of what’s happening.

I despise gambling. Making decisions based on percentages—what a mathematical mindfuck. Were it not for those bushy hedges, we’d have a straight and unimpeded path to the getaway car.

At least one of us is probably about to die.

Oh, pipe down—you already know we live through this.

Don’t we??

Atlas concludes his hasty appraisal of our best option at this moment. “Can you hurdle those hedges?” My facial expression announces my present inability to glean why he asked. “Straight line to the car, best chance, simple math.” Ah, of course. “Can you do it?”
In a vacuum, sure, easy, even at the ripe old age of 27. But right now? “I don’t know.” I could sob, though, no problem. Would that help??
He seems certain: “The answer is yes; you can.”
However, I’m as exhausted as I am exasperated. “My legs are jello.”
“I know, and I’m sorry; this is my fault.”
“No, it’s my fault.” I fight back yet another flood of tears.
“No, it’s not,” he swears to me, “and I’ll explain everything later. Right now it’s time to run for our lives one more time. Straight over those bushes to my car.” But I just wanna sit on the ground and weep uncontrollably. He (re)assures me, “Should you need a boost, I’ll be there.” Belief in him brews within my core. I summon my best look of determination in the face of grave peril. “Say when,” he says softly while his eyes loudly communicate so, so, so much more.
Yup, I think he must love me, too. Woo!
Sirens grow audible.
Fuggit. I ditch my slippers. Leggo. I barely whisper, “When,” then tear off toward The Nimster, and he sticks so close to me that it’s a wonder our legs don’t tangle and trigger a nasty spill. I feel really fast. Hell, my form is even extra on point; pretty sure. Whew, somebody, clock me.

Turns out, fearing for one’s life can be a useful motivator.

The big creamy van’s engine roars to life as the driver [assumedly Karen] smashes the horn while Francis exits the rear doors somewhat hampered by a limp, not sure why; in truth, he might’ve been injured prior to this incident. Anyway, uh huh, we’ve been spotted.
As we close in on the bushes, Atlas drifts closer to me. We’ll be at the predesignated obstacle in seconds.
Moment of truth.
With the graceful form of a professional [yeah, I’m feelin’ myself retrospectively], I hurdle the 3-feet-tall bushy décor—clean clearance, room to spare, landing in stride. I didn’t need his help, but should I have, I know that he occupied the perfect position to provide just enough of a boost (with a subtle one-handed lift on my tush).
Go ahead. Swoon all you want. Pfft.
But, seriously, why am I so concerned with why Francis is limping?

Perhaps we’ll solve the mystery later.

Glass shatters. Over my right shoulder, I glance back. Apparently the “lesbelonac” just jumped through a window on the third floor on the south side of Building C and now moves to intercept us via wildly angry, bounding lunges.
Atlas and I close in on his silly little car, but my pace slows since I’m running on fucking fumes, okay?
Still, mere seconds away.
Francis warns, “FREEZE!”
Yeah, okay, sure. We’ll just freeze, bruh.
The “lungelady” finds another gear. Shite, she’s gonna catch us.
That one needs a name already—hereby calling her Lisbet because that’s what my fingers just typed.
From the closest stairwell in the farthest building, bleeding and wounded, Severus stumbles out carrying Halcyon. Ew, gross, wrong on all the levels. Grimacing, he joins the pursuit.

This is all happening so fast.

Misfired on Lisbet’s trajectory and point of origin; mentally move it about an inch to the right. What up?
(*BSR: Budget Street Racer [didn’t have enough room to write “Nimminator”])
{I’m so stupid.}

A silenced gunshot bullet whizzes by my savior’s head. With a quick pivot and negligible sacrifice to pace, Atlas flings a throwing knife—like…where the hell he even got it, I have no clue—in the general direction of the shooter’s face.
Francis can only flinch as the knife narrowly misses his dome. He groans in pain as his injured leg gives way to muscular weight and his ass lands on the pavement. He aims uncomfortably, has no shot thanks to a sideways-parked moving truck, squeezes a few times anyway. Wasted shells. Probably just mad.
Two police cars arrive with blue lights blazing and sirens blaring.
Meanwhile Atlas, realizing that Lisbet will get to us before we have time to get in and speed away, instructs me, “Dive in the back seat.”
Dive?” I wheeze/half-yell.
“Dive,” he confirms.
Goddammit. More acrobatics on mushy legs.
Having spotted Severus about thirty meters away from our getaway car, a pair of overzealous, testosterone-/stupidity-fueled young officers jump out with weapons drawn. “Get down on the ground!” one of them barks. At least I think that’s what he hollered [due to nonexistent annunciation]. In my memory, what I heard was something like “GURDURNANAGRUN!”
Whatever. He was rightly nervous.
I dive headfirst into the back seat (without dislocating either of my kneecaps, somehow) while Atlas hops through the open window into the passenger side and reaches underneath the seat with his left hand then cranks the car with his right. It’s funny what all I remember so clearly. Details, man. Brains are nuts. Anyway, once the engine roars to life, he tells me, “Cover your ears.”
And then Lisbet launches into a furious dive-bomb as Atlas levels a sawed-off shotgun at her.
Yup, covering my ears and closing my eyes tightly to boot.
From a range of about five feet, Lisbet screams like a rabid banshee at the realization of her sudden misfortune as a heavy slug erupts from the barrel in a cacophonous boom and slams into her center of mass, rerouting her momentum and quelling the threat. She squirms and writhes across the asphalt surface.
The cops hide behind cover. “Shots fired! Need backup! Shittin’ fuck! Shootin’ shots!” Something like that—you know how first-hand accounts (don’t) work.
At the same time, Atlas nimbly slides behind the wheel and slams the gearshift into drive.
As the cops are trapped in confused chaos, Francis, just being a pissy assbag at this point, fires his handgun from the ground until his third/final shot finds the side of a hapless officer’s melon [the one who previously failed horribly at annunciation].
Severus tears off the other one’s head. Quite literally, I’m afraid.
I can’t un-see that.

Buildup be damned—death happens instantly.

NJ [Nimmy Jeutron—forgive me if this parenthetical clarification insults your intelligence; I don’t know what’s obvious anymore] transverses the parking lot recklessly as a sense of perplexed desperation takes hold of me. “What the fuck is happening and what’s with all the fucking fangs and why are you so fucking strong?” Yup, I’m panicking.
Mentally, his hands are too full to answer, but with a telling glance back my way, he offers something to the effect of: “Hang in there, baby girl. Answers are forthcoming.”

Are they ever.

And, oh, my heart.
Atlas slams into second gear and punches the gas. Vroom! Off we go, outta the lot, onto the highway, just as another vehicle—an American-made hybrid, probably a rental—squeals its tires while drifting sharply onto the road in hot pursuit.
Somehow now both Lisbet and Severus, each significantly injured, are chasing us on foot, but the gap widens comfortably.
I zero in on the hybrid tailing us, and my immediate recognition of the single occupant elicits an uncontrollable surge of tearful emotion. Darrell Dent again. Hate that guy.
“We’re okay,” Atlas promises.
I don’t know if I’ve ever cried this much in one day and I didn’t even start until around half past nine tonight.
Thirty seconds after that, Atlas runs a red light and turns left/north onto another highway. Mere seconds later, Darrell takes the same turn far more aggressively and almost wrecks.
“He’s catching us,” I cry faintly. But I dunno.
HOW SHOULD I KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
“We will not be caught tonight.”
“How do you know??” I have never been this whiny, I swear.
“Because no vehicle that might give chase can travel faster than this car.”
“This thing!?” I must’ve shrieked.
“Put your head back against the seat.”
I do it. Right then. No questions asked.
Atlas then opens the center console and flips a cool blue illuminated switch which provides an exhilarating burst of speed that would’ve resulted in terrible whiplash without his courteously shared forethought.
The distance between the vehicles expands quickly as this intentionally apparent “POS” speeds beyond any and all pursuers’ radius of observation.

For now.

I watch out the rear windshield as we zoom toward safety. It’s almost mesmerizing. I realize that he’s right: we will not be caught.
Not tonight.

No way in hell.

Not on this Knight’s watch.
Was that dumb? Perhaps. But I couldn’t resist.
I’m trying to become more human, remember? Sue me.
Too, in a painfully tragic twist of events, Unkie Sev has come into possession of Halcyon.
This might be the closest I’ve ever come to crying.

Oh-so officially, our reality has been upended.
We are both in full-blown disbelief.
This is a special level of grief.
Not to mention deep relief.

Thierry’s tears begin to dry as a highly relevant thought commandeers her curiosity and sparks the million dollar question: “Who are you?”
A great question, that. The greatest, even.

Even greater still, who are we?

In this moment, I know not where to begin.
“My name is Atlas.”
Dunno what else to say.

Pro tip: when in doubt, begin at the start.

On the spot, I fall in love with his name.
“Atlas”? Are you fucking kidding me?? I’m dead.
Yet…I’ve never felt more alive.
Oh, hi.
(Yes, you. Hi.)

Let’s be allies!

As for me?
At long last, I’m who I was born to be.
I could’ve been no one other than myself.

Same could be said of anyone.

Shoot fire—I should buckle up.
And so should you.
Yeah, get cozy.

Because that was nothing compared to what’s coming.

Soon.

II.

-004

To Handle Diabolical Plantations That Ship Dangling Exposition

***

Say hello to heaven in the formidably darling presence of Gomer the Pile.

Take my word for it: dude is not what he seems.

The accompanying photos depict various stages of a piling mister’s boldly escalating display over the last couple weeks leading up to proudly bequeathing his introductory, overdue, modest harvest featuring delectably mind-blowing shiitake mushrooms.

That was three days ago. The spoils have since been savored during ingestion. If all goes according to plan, Gomer will spend the next week or two air-drying before a couple days of extensive rehydration jumpstarts a new generation.

Like his four furry roommates, the fungus among us respires more like an animal than a plant, and his general success depends upon thoughtful regulation of his surroundings by the two bipedally brainy bedfellows who occupy the roof under which he resides in preposterous luxury relative to his natural habitat.

In my time spent briefly overseeing his development, I have made a shockingly positive discovery. Since he and I take completely different approaches to the methodical process of composition, I have concluded beyond reproach in a peculiar point of staggering fact that I, me, myself, am NOT “a fungi.”

Provided that you’re willing and able to spare the time, would you permit my explanation with a subjective take on the objective matter surrounding certain emotional issues in as much factual detail as your hearty skin and/or skinned heart can withstand?

In other words (intentionally shrouded in mystery), if you opt to take the interminably extraordinary walk down the following plank while mustering the courage necessary for a precipitous plunge into the depths of our collective mind, then officially I must highly advise a liberally applied, thickly layered lather (or nine) of SPF 8001 because I certainly don’t want you to get burned before getting your tootsies wet.

Or do I?

An avid fan of indirect sunlight, invading space, proliferating out of control, and bathing thrice daily in gentle barrages of ample mist, Gomer draws oxygen from his immediate environment in an effort to acclimatize to the high ceilings in the loft where he lives lavishly while adapting to the long, winding road of drastic fluctuations in stabilizing temperature.

In a nutshell, should I decide to neglect his needs, he will most definitely croak.

To supplement my earlier plea vaguely, I’d be remiss not to advertise forthwith my ridiculously idealistic intent to capably man the starboard cannon affixed to the oceanic spacecraft merrily plaguing my fanciful dreams and—with designs on flagging down the maximum scope of our combined intellectual prowess in a strategically herky-jerky (and perhaps overly optimistic) effort to round out an intangible (but no less valuable) compass—thereupon unload a dizzying hailstorm of corrosive nuggets, the purpose of which aims to target a narrow radius that just might, in mischievously speculative theory, drum up a sightline toward your own psyche’s perceptual zenith.

So there’s that. Yikes!

Plus, I get it. What in tarnation am I even on about? You want whatever I’m smoking, no?

To put it another way, if my novice calculations aren’t miserably inaccurate, then you may wanna brace yourself for the very real possibility of deep penetration by an onslaught of synaptic fury that could reward your successful navigation of the choppy text with at least one solitary iota of enlightened respect for your home.

As I really wasn’t just saying more or less out of friggin’ nowhere, G’s emergence represents a bygone kid’s duty to become the young tooter who gassed up the musical fruit that cuts my occasionally salty cloth about the cheesy establishments wasting all our holy light via shelling out nuts who neglect the pristine miracle known as forethought through willful ignorance of hindsight’s weight. By the end of this rambling torrent which could rapidly crack your nostrils under the intermittent pressure of peppered hyperbole, if you think I’ve gone bonkers, then I’ll have to assume that sooner or later you should be sane enough to save my hide as well as your own and thus all our kind.

Yeah, my brain seems to be locked in overdrive working overtime.

Nah, I can’t help it.

Sure, toss me a lifejacket!

Should you feel your knees jerk involuntarily or your esophagus flex violently, by all means, sweetly embrace the robotic issuance of canned responses boasting vernacular such as “high horse,” “holier than thou,” “soapbox,” and the like if you suppose you’ll feel better for it.

I will chew any incoming opinionation 26 times before choking it down if it proves to be bitterly legitimate, but if it’s legitimately bitter, I’ll declare it a spitter. My heart, mental state, and utensils have been prepped and loaded. Come get summed.

Either way, in gratuitous actuality, this is me taking obligatory ownership of my compulsory identity because right now, with a straight face, I can hardly stake an outright claim to being alive; as such, I would very much prefer to live my life to the fullest if it’s all the same to you.

In other words, (get used to alternately multiangular phrasing because) by massaging a cleverly crazy perspective into the freshly sauteed sanity unscrambling inside your personal headspace, I want my fellow human beings {namely those who practice thinking for themselves} to get ahead of the reliably arcing helix thrusting life toward progression throughout the wouldbe friendly confines of spacetime. Any minute now, we are more than welcome to plan our escape from the gassy lairs of our world’s open-ended mindtrap.

In broad strokes, I’m only trying to illuminate the planet’s canvas from my vantage point at this moment while clinging to a migrant sliver of hope that even a marginal shift in your mindset might clear up at least a single perennial misunderstanding about any particularly glaring issue which causes you or a loved one some degree of discomfort.

And therein lies the trickiest of rubs.

I mean, really, how does one go about rubbing rubber when it’s already so darn rubbery?

Nevertheless, onward you may wish to march—perhaps solely out of morbid curiosity. Whatever punches your ticket works for me because if but one person reads this article/essay and comes away sworn to orchestrate my gruesomely meticulous death, then (from an admittedly twisted standpoint) my hefty expenditure of energetic time will have been rewarded by awarding vital inspiration. Whoopsie!

Too, whoop-de-do. Even so, allow me to elaborate further with ramping abstraction, and I will continue by blending bridges to leap across over-swelling bounds.

Yes, I’m pussyfooting around a beaten bush.

Mmhmm, I’m doing it on purpose.

By now you’ve grown accustomed to such.

Heck, in the “civilized” world, who hasn’t?

Maybe I’m confused by wishing that the bloated analysis cascading hence might optimize a psychological prize for your negotiation of any pandemoniac sewage you may or may not encounter in the real world until coming out clean on the other side.

Maybe you’re not even reading this nonsense.

Hell, maybe you’ve forgotten how to read.

Worse yet, maybe you never learned.

Wait a tick. A quick dose of rationale confirms that you can read. Not only that, as sure as I’m writing it, you are surely reading this sentence. Suddenly I feel nude!

Shite.

That’s fine. Given the choice between pissing my thoughts into the wind or sitting on my hands like another low-lying louse on the lopsided log of lumping human lethargy, I’m choosing the former because the latter has recently unmasked itself as a heavy burden that weighs on the profound insignificance of my bodily place in the grand scheme firmly rooting our inexorably communal essence.

In other words, against all odds of successful explanation, I need to get something off my chest or I will straight-up suffer collapse in totality under the gravitationally tumultuous trinity of humanity’s hatefully loving, jokingly serious, essentially tangling energies.

Despite the threat of implosive conflict, I’ve picked up the scent of starlight from beyond the bowel’s end. I know I’m on the right track.

But maybe, still, for some unknown reason, I’m hesitant to disclose my actual beliefs.

Maybe I’m too scared to declare the reality of my feelings.

Maybe I’m gonna bottle my lightning then give it a permanent burial.

Obviously maybe not.

Get this. Quite like climate and weather—and, to that end, not surprisingly—fungi and mushrooms are often addressed [even dare I posit the term “debated”] without the useful knowledge of obvious distinction. At your understood behest, please allow me to continue peddling the wordy wares within my bizarre bazaar of systematically redundant elaboration even after your eyes cross and your head explodes.

Thanks! And welcome to our very own mental circus. I recommend stretching in preparation for advanced tumbling in the immediate forecast. Backflips and somersaults will barely tip the iceberg, but near perfect execution of a full twisting triple layout just might scratch the surface. Gulp. Wish us luck.

See, like you and me, a fungus is an organism. Unlike many [most?] people, though, fungi enrich and stabilize the soil beneath our feet. Similarly stemming from how seeds plant roots under the earth in order to reach the air above in vicarious elation, a fungus can be divided into separate parts as a solid aid to fluid comprehension [hypothetically, mind you]. Out of sight around the globe, living networks of mycelium tackle the decomposition of organic matter; whereas, more plain than day and therefore “with that in mind” {if I may be a cheeky S.O.B.}, mushrooms erupt as the many happy delights of laborious energy.

In other words, mushrooms can be good for you, but fungi don’t give a shit.

Speaking of cheeks, don’t turn yours yet. The ship only just set sail.

On that note, pour yourself a neat drink. It’ll help.

In other words, lube up, buttercup, ‘cause a number between one and two of us could’ve overshot and thus would be comin’ in too hot.

In the same way that a fungus provides a rich environment in which mushrooms can take shape, a climate offers a foreseeable path that occurs over a long period of time.

Think of it like this: climate shifts over decades; weather changes in minutes.

Since carbon’s initial splash into our sublimely blue planet’s flowing treasure trove of hydrogenated oxygen—and in tandem with yearly revolution around the helium factory a fraction over eight light-minutes away, of course—the earth’s daily rotation along its rocking axis rolls the influential knots which make the waves that iron life’s unique quilt of evolutionary sustenance.

Can you anticipate where this is headed? Even if you can’t, since you’ve come this far already, you might as well find out, right? Here, pretend to take my make-believe hand. You’ll be fine probably!

Like an afternoon thunderstorm at the lake, mushroom caps can crop up erratically in chaotic plumes of isolated power due to fungi’s hidden persistence beneath the surface.

Without intended exclusion of manure- or timber-dwellers—among other domains wherein fungi may thrive such as a body {of water}—picture a fungus as an underground manufacturing facility. Regarding any brand of hunger that you may or may not care to consider, people possess an uncanny knack for consuming everything faster than anything can replenish.

Excessive demand of supply from an assembly line’s maximum output drains production, strains distribution, and climaxes with wall-to-wall exhaustion.

That’s what I heard anyway.

In other words, with a little extra oomph from blatantly disregarding our ancestrally hard-earned knowledge that soggy socks insist on festering wounds in the absence of hanging out to dry in fresh air, we’re shooting ourselves in the foot by abstaining from remaining on our toes.

Incidentally, do you know what else exhibits a pattern comparable to mushrooms? Weather {not to mention tantrums and nuclear bombs}.

Ahhh, so that’s why meteorologists can’t seem to get it right. After all, how errorless can a mere human be at naturally nailing the safe prediction of that which is safely unpredictable by nature?

In terms launched by figurative jet propulsion at the world’s political [thus underhandedly indicating economic] landscape, climate builds the coffin then weather drops the hammer.

Batten down the hatches because we’re still warming up.

In other words, you should probably just get tanked and plan on puking.

But then you can rally!

In a necessarily delayed reaction directed especially at all the wisely loving ladies, your family needs you to please truly, deeply, even madly intervene before all the messy fellows dig a shallow grave for the whole dang shebang.

Do you happen to know what else resembles a mushroom? A sponge.

Know what sponges absorb? Water.

Know what thirsts like a sponge? Your brain.

On this, trust me completely: you should devote yourself religiously to regular hydration.

As any overclocked noodle longs to be a sticky blessing nonetheless, my brain clearly suffers from the brooding curse of presently needing to share its dumb capacity for pattern recognition. Ugh, double whammy cubed. The lava gushing from my noggin has morphed into a sneaky devil that recognizes itself. Sue me if you like, but be warned—by now I might have less than two cents to offer. Nonetheless, here, please take my last penny, asshole!

I’m mostly joking, but seriously, own your dirty work. Involve yourself in the process that will involve itself in your sweet ass either way. As evidenced ad nauseam by almost any relationship, a climate takes it nice and easy while weather chases circles around the epic tail end of a superheated tale behind the stupid parlor trick that always fails.

Bottoms up, gang. Somewhere on earth, the time is precisely 17:__.

As I may have been hinting to anyone paying attention besides me, this really is all about boys blowing smoke in delusional expectation of meeting the fairest gale but instead making a hot mess then getting blasted by the awesome firepower of a cold-blooded, timed-release, emotional flood.

Put another way, climate slowly steadies then fastens racing weather while globally impactful surges quicken an otherwise rhythmic pulse; therefore, basically, this could go on forever since her moonlit cadence either spells trouble brewing in his head or rouses primal madness in his stead.

GOD.

I swear, it’s almost as if boys and girls are molded differently [i.e. perfectly compatible] at the chromosomal level or something.

Now let’s drop anchor for a minute. I would like to express my gratitude for your charitable provision of accompaniment up to this point. Believe it or not, we’ve experienced relatively smooth sailing so far, but the boat is about to get rocked as our partying excursion barrels headlong into swirling peril.

Assuming supposition that you’ll find yourself unfazed by any steam heating up from the flammable puddle descending through the basement of this chemically compounding spiel, by all means, don your apron of choice—unless you enjoy access to a hazmat suit, in which case, put that on, and make haste!

Although yonder sounds, smells, and sights have begun a foreboding tumble fumbling toward an unnerving convergence of unadulterated inevitability, we shan’t avast heaving. Aye, all hands remain on deck as angry thunder crackles in the channels overhead, foamy crests intensify in the deep sea out ahead, and devious lightning splinters against a stark sky of blackening dread. Fueled by aberrantly warm waters, a tropical depression briskly gathers strength under a binding oath to organize power and transform into a savagely elegant eye. Who among our oblivious crew of jolly adventurers would risk a drowsy dip with the fishes?

In other words, this is the part where you may wanna jump ship because things are about to get really, really, even a lot unflinchingly weirder.

Imaginary seat belts are optional as we stay the course now without further warning of any ado.

Ahoy, mate!

Now I’m actually gonna let it rip.

In other words, get shipwrecked on the inside, outside world. No prisoners shall be taken. The traveling circus now displaces cresting titles to make a beeline for the lost island of deserted ambitions.

As you may have gleaned in approximation from previous implication, climate constructs a stage upon which weather creates a set wherein life can act out. Weather haphazardly erases spots after we scribble on paper. That’s nifty and all, but climate neatly binds the book.

When climate destabilizes, weather becomes terribly predictable in terms of extremity. Oddly enough, generally terrible occurrences are not mistaken often for pleasurable events. For a good time, find the nearest funhouse mirror and argue directly with this abstract point of scientific fact. Hurry. I’ll wait. Unlike the weather at any given moment, I might even be here when you get back.

(Pour us another while you’re at it.)

Climate slow-plays her hand as a way of slyly setting up weather to crash crisply on the turn before juicily burning on the river. To stretch this similarity, fungi lay the groundwork for shrooms to shoot up and dispense spores over land in ecstatic spurts of spatial coloration. By connective extension, a brain might hibernate for decades before sparking an impulse that mutates into anything from an ingenious concept all the way down to a sinister plan.

In the clairvoyant words of a fictitious child from my past, if weather is rubber, then climate is glue. Yep, I’m aware that you know the rest, probably, but have you glimpsed the part coming next?

Of course not. How could you? You’ve never met the nonexistent youngster who mayhap would’ve proclaimed, “When climate rubs weather the wrong way, he bounces; on the other hand, when she rubs him the right way, he sticks, and from there, passions may fruit.”

Oh, my, explosions galore.

Hold the phone. I thought we were supposed to be delving into our climate’s cultured fungus, sicko.

Frankly, I am awfully sorry, but I’m afraid this is not my opinion. In light of the surface effects precipitated by recent weather, the atmospheric gravity of climate deeply changes us. In kind, humans simply aren’t okay with predictable weather; furthermore, in all our complexity, we will only truly thrive within an idyllic peace generously afforded by an ambient equality we should gain by delicately knitting an internationally cozy blanket of emotional stability. Weather may change seasonally, but climate fashions the trend.

Widespread recognition of approaching certainty becomes more imperative by the nanosecond. Dismantle the massive illusion by teaching {not to be confused with “preaching at”} the pockets of confusion through calculated demonstration. Spread the constructive flame of contagious feedback not by fanning the ember aggressively, but rather, by blowing gently. Who knows? A fire might ignite before roaring in ovational reverberation.

I’m sure you’re correct in thinking that we should veer away from my silly pipedream and get back to the composition at hand. Bully for you, cyberbully!

To reiterate, fungi decompose matter; inversely operational by comparison, brains do compose educational material, be it the simplest thought or a symphony most complex—either of which, however unlikely, could bookend the entire spectrum of human achievement.

Think about it.

At a singular point along the endlessly expanding electromagnetic wavelength chronicled by our storied history’s ironically iconic, emphatically comic, pictographically odic awakening across pulsating peaks and vibrating valleys in the vast matter of all time, some schmuck had to have hatched the most idiotic thought ever.

Hmm, I can’t help but wonder how recently that might’ve occurred.

For all I know, it just happened.

Cheers!

Okay, that’s almost enough about every single last one of the fake trends in recent news. Gather round and make way for the eventual punchline. Not sure who had the bright idea to competently build a raging bonfire on the main deck, but given its transparent entrenchment and festive surveillance, we might as well pop corn and roast marshmallows, eh?

Id est, no longer shall I beg for your pardon or participation; rather instead, I hereby double dog dare your vigorous attempt at continued acclimatization to my trying weather.

As you weren’t thinking just now, a fungal network could’ve been viewed as a bulbing brain stuck in a feedback loop of muddled judgment whereby mushroom clouds may bubble up abruptly as illuminating insights if not vacuous balloons where not even a cricket can chirp.

Along those lines, climate erodes terrestrial formations as weather annihilates cerebral constructions.

While all those handy-dandy thumbs twiddle, mindful separation of star-crossed signatures ever-increases in ludicrous cruciality.

I realize that weather can be depressing just as facts can be annoying, but eventually the orchestras they conduct will demand face-to-face encounters.

Climate rests in peace. Weather leaves behind pieces of unrest.

To conceptualize the issue at hand with a dollop (or several) of blazing hippie panache, Mother Earth’s climate embodies an all-powerful spirit who yearns desperately for peaceful rest while her ghosting weather haunts the smoldering ruins of our abandoned civility.

Fungi forge the formative framework from which flourishing fruit can bloom.

Brains wire the stimulative network that enables electric ideas to vroom, zoom, and promptly attune (at light-/godspeed, no less)!

Brace yourselves, unborn kiddos: climate grooms the future which looms and weather lowers the boom that dooms.

Hang in there. We’re okay.

Though my explanation may seem incessantly hyper-academic if not obscenely self-indulgent, I’m really not fabricating this stuff—it’s simply happening, folks!

Feasting fungi whip up bunches of snacks; therefore conclusively, a malnourished Gomer would likely plant a seed in my head that spawns an unquenchable appetite for the meaty breed of buttery bliss that could only be found within exceptional specimens of homegrown shiitake.

Here you might wish to insert any number of old sayings about appreciating what you have. (It’ll be brilliant.)

No, that was not an unreceived note to myself.

It was for you.

Climate carefully crafts an authentic salsa while referencing a secret recipe passed down through richly familial generations so that weather—apparently for the time being, anyway—can be the slobbering dickhead who barges in and double-dips before missing his loud mouth entirely.

When women starve, men get the munchies.

At the heart of any argument which never seems to end, you’ll find a logic train gaining a sort of momentum that sounds impressively (if not impossibly) circular. Surely to goodness you’ve seen how this unfolds in your everyday life. My hope is that now you can understand why. If not, then please cram my other foot into its unmarked watery grave on our behalf. Next, spit on it for me since you won’t be able to dance.

I’m kidding.

Also, I’m not kidding.

Climate’s linear path through giant swaths of timely space envelopes all the fundamental faces which populate any natural places where/when nasty weather can show up and front.

If a man’s weather constitutes his unstoppable force, then climate must be his immovable object.

In ironic terms that might explain the lack of recognition to date, the biggest problem is that, at least in essence—and especially unlike the jarring hubbub at the end of the sentence which, unless I’m confused again, you find yourself stumbling across and slipping through at the moment—by golly, our climate surely seems extremely ANTICLIMACTIC!!

Jesus.

H Bomb.

Christmas.

Do you have any idea how rare it is for me to double up (or down) on exclamation? Merely to consider rereading the aforementioned block triggers nervously multiplying twitches about my head and shoulders in an irritating game of no-mallet whack-a-mole.

In another strangely valid twist of topsy-turvy events, laidback weather in men can churn emotional cyclones in women; in turn, her calming exterior may neutralize his inner demons. Now, equipped with the long-lost skill of artful deduction, we can clarify the age-old euphemism: the motion of the ocean actually dictates the dadgum size of the freaking boat.

At this moment anywhere, someone plays a sad trombone.

Relatively speaking, the earth’s atmosphere is about as thick as the skin of an apple.

Taken any which from Sunday, climate changes the complexion on our incredibly thin skin’s weathered surface; in metaphorical comparison, only a happy fungus fruits a healthy bounty of tasty mushrooms. Where fungi freeze in place, fruit may vanish without a trace. As environmental mood destabilizes, atmospheric conditions disintegrate.

Eek! I haven’t run the numbers or anything [not to imply belief that I’m even capable], but as sure as each day passes, I’m reckoning that we humans—the silly chiefs running amok in the supposed order known as Primates—should probably make a concerted effort to quietly influence the dissipation of darkening skies overhead so that ultimately we may harmonize seamlessly with a soothing melody sung by our mutual voice of universal reason alongside an overall climate of global warmth. Eke.

In other words phrased cryptically on purpose and intended to be taken at liberty with flowing grains of cosmic salt, being human must mean to prime eight for infinity.

Whoa. Let’s say that you do in fact lift. Be that as it may, do you even know, bro?

Nature charts the course upon which—whether on her potentially hellish highway or by getting weathered into the ground at the hard-to-handle whim of her significant other’s irresistible flight—we must draw a self-effacing map around our undulating plot with an artistic style that patiently drives it forward in a straight line; then, in a frank manner of speaking yet another way, no matter the outcome, we’re totally gonna screw ourselves sideways, y’all.

What the? Duck!

Today, we still have the opportunity to set in motion our own agreeable terms, but as I assume we must all know by now, the weather can change in a heartbeat. Our skin can break out overnight. You’ve definitely seen it enough to believe it—I don’t suppose we’d be interacting otherwise. Much sooner than later, our seemingly limitless supply of magic concealer will expire with a cruel smidgen of tragic hilarity.

Try to think about your descendants. Fungi that soothe between the grooves provide the moving environment necessary for little lids to break free from the ground and prove their worth in open air. In other words, kids grow up and branch out from the hill we all have to climb by teaming toward tomorrow. When parents are happy, so too shall be the youngsters. Meanwhile, below the surface in either instance, established roots teem furtively with muddy history. When it’s all said and done, will you be able to take pride in the legacy you leave behind?

There’s a much darker way to look at that—a very Darwinian angle, as it were—but I see no reason to upend the relative effervescence we seem to’ve cooked up now when we’re perfectly capable of doing it later!

On the basis of (and in) sporting fashion, we were lulled to sleep by a lethal changeup. Presently we track a fortuitous mistake in the form of a slow curveball which hangs in the zone. Think fast. We can’t expect the umpire to post bail. You already know what comes after this pitch. By then, which side will be most ready to strike? We ought to take our best cut right now, for with the next offering comes blistering heat painted on the outside corner at the knees. Guess where our thumbs will be stuck. Better yet, grasp that you already know where the flying seat of our pants will get caught.

Down we go looking.

Kerplunk.

The more caps overcook up top, the less our spongy network performs down below.

The ball can’t swing to its fullest arc of potential unless securely linked to the chain.

Mush, crew. Our vessel requires a roomy berth in order to safely circumnavigate the gathering (and as yet uncategorized) hurricane. Failure to comply can only lead us to the windy brink of bent knees braced for impending destruction.

As any faithful woman understands all too well [not that I would know obviously; I’m just guessing; please don’t hurt me], climate will always fare her true love’s weather whether his effects widen fairly or stir up gnarly causes for bilateral despair. He may tally small victories in battle here and there, but she will rally invariably to win the war. In other words, no matter what happens, she’s in it for the long haul, intoxicating his balance forever and always only to double back and sober his inebriation.

With nuclear clarity, sometimes weather gets bored and stains a shirt, but climate washes our entire fabric across the board.

Lucky him, for woe is she; ergo hereupon, unlucky are we.

What say we get the hang of this already?

Not unlike music, facts become easier to digest when faced. The titanic liner we share could use a good righting since our stupidly unavoidable conclusion brews in the distance while growing noticeably colder as years creep below the radar. The currency of our civilization requires a stable environment to continue in spite of terrifically fickle cells on the horizon.

In other words, it’s past time to wrap this crap up.

Alternatively, we could favor more snowballing melodrama and get sucked into doing our best impression of Atlantis.

Regardless of how you see things, the stuff remains the same.

These words represent only one goofball’s view.

And yet, in a way, it’s yours, too.

Because here we are.

Hi there.

Again, welcome aboard!

Let’s break it down again from another angle in case you’re not sufficiently seasick.

Earth is like a sandbox. Where there’s a thunderbolt willing to branch, there’s a wayward sequoia just dying to splinter. Life has risen from the depths where the sun also rises {interestingly enough} and gives us subsequent permission to play. We have been issued a seasonal sequence of conspicuous warning that misbehavior will not be tolerated. Weather sheds occasional tears while climate weeps in a harsh cacophony of echoing silence. To live freely while hardly dying, each and every kingdom in the biggest tree of all must be able to experience safety in the comfortably difficult prediction of predictably running numbers.

At the most basic level, merely to be alive, you only need room to breathe, and we’re foolishly adding detrimental carbonation to our invisible, gaseous, tailor-made elixir.

While all the grown puppies proudly bait their shiny hooks, little do they know, the realest bitch they’ll ever meet lies in wait, sharpening her claws.

Even as the unwitting causes of the dangerous infection disrupting Madre E’s equilibrium, our tender, enduring, radiant goddess still loves us [bet me your last dollar], albeit very roughly, in a manifest testament of sheer will that speaks literal volumes about the inner core of human toughness.

In other words, the biggest mama we know feels the burn of our existential indifference.

How’s about we sense the urgency?

The homeworld we have to share needs our help. None too simply, as the species sewing our special threads into the civilizational tapestry, we should synthesize an all-encompassing monitor—yup, I understand that nobody asked me per se, but, whatever, you’re the one plowing through this right-babbling tower of left-leaning text—to numerically throttle and regulate the critical pace by which we consume all complex matters centered around energy.

If we want our various stores to carry on indefinitely, we need to vacate our unhealthy fixations on gobbling unneeded power in brutally counterintuitive competition.

It takes neither a renowned astrophysicist from Metropolis nor a bumbling lunatic from Alabama to grasp that we are too far ahead of a naturally fixed schedule.

It only takes one person.

Unless I’m mistaken, you are one person.

Hello, we meet again, and so soon to boot.

Coincidentally, how often do you come here?

You must be as thirsty as I am.

Yet, I can’t help but notice that your glass is “only” half full…

Sigh…

What can any ellipsis do beyond clamor for connection (to its own dots)?

“Where the heart is.”

Framed from the far-out context of our most closely neighboring celestial bodies, the only dot really in question—you know the one, your only mote, the speck of dust that maintains the organic foundation over every last drop of our creational power—paints a curiously rich picture both blue and pale, held gracefully aloft and fully intact within a covertly green star’s indomitable grasp, all the while tilted with regular inspiration amidst the daily wash provided by a lonesome, devout, orbiting rock’s persistent poise in recycling protection around the clock under the magical reflection of our deeply safe cover inside a soundly single, guiding rainbow.

At this point, whether toasting the memory of a magnificent thinker in the public eye or an active bastard behind closed doors, I’ll knock one back for anybody named Carl.

And if you’ll excuse a quick, extra nerdy interjection as I blow my own fantasy-oriented mind after the fact, the moon serves as our planet’s lonely worn buckler in terms of equipment as well as endearment.

Somebody, anybody, please tell me you got that.

I’m probably just blathering on to my future self at this point—that is to say, I’m stonewalling my personal progress by talking to a projection of your imagination, which may not even exist, meaning you’re not real, so neither am I. Well, sweet pea, at least we’re in the same savory pod, right?

“Eerily” is the word that hurtfully ejected me from my fifth-grade spelling bee in the first round. Boy, did I ever choke. Man alive.

Right on cue, here I am, somewhat spooked.

Weather emboldens temporary power—ranging from thoughtless to thoughtful—through the innate chaos invoked by essential volatility in an elemental atmosphere.

Climate guides the prevailing energy of an enlightened path.

In other words, sporadic conditions change over time while periodic changes condition undercover. To sum that up with an acronym, WTF.

Where does this end? With four horsemen? The heat death of our universe? A migraine that induces thumb-sucking in the fetal position?

Face it already, peoples. All of you. Every last person. I’m risking my neck by climbing the pole to wave the white flag. I’m personally beseeching you specifically to claim your identity because I need to live here, too. Aren’t I insufferably selfish? Moreover, to ram the point home with an over-exaggerated admission about the emotional currents underpinning the way I see what’s happening all around us, sometimes it seems like [especially when mixing awkwardly into sizable shindigs, for instance] that I’m slowly drowning in a sucky sea of subtle solitude.

The story of our climate could go one way or another, and in either case, we must prepare to maneuver the coming winds of change because the draft submitted in continuum, whether breezy or stiff, will never be anything other than absolutely final.

When she gets angry, his temper tends to flare.

I realize that I might be beating a dead horse, but I genuinely think we should stop prodding the sleeping dog.

Here we are granted with a racial partnership to partake concurrently in the granddaddy of all games alongside the mother of all marathons, and we’re individually running wind sprints against the grain and each other.

Look at us go.

Wee.

Does this seem smart to you?

By the way, you’ve reached the part where if you tell me I’m cuckoo, not only will I mentally accept it as fact, but also I’ll internalize it emotionally during swift preparation for a clumsy swan-dive through the nearest nuthouse window simultaneously with a yelping request for an instant straitjacket before I even hit the grimy tiles and skid to a screeching halt.

When it comes to weathering the sexy (and futile) global climate fight—and quite unlike the judicial system when it comes to other race relations—the verdict leveled will (actually) in fact mirror (extra super weirdly) severity in damage. Who knew!?

Oh, c’mon—that was barely even a jab.

Now ready for actual impact.

A shield of sorts.

In a blunt summary {which truly cannot be pointed at you barring your own cognizance that it should be} spun in the nonsensically specific style of a tornado brandishing a claymore [whatever that could mean], a change in Earth’s mood has been sniffed, witnessed, probed, pinpointed, studied, tested, recorded, documented, beamed into the airwaves, and honestly proven to be as artificial as Hades, yet similarly condemning. Heretofore suppressed, individual intelligence has been summoned in earnest by an alertly keen community struggling to preserve the encapsulation of your bubbly, gum-smacking security. We have been made painfully aware of the stirring forecast. Validate your inclusion by acknowledging the certainty gifted to humankind on a silver platter in heaping portions of experiential evidence atop mounting mountains of mathematical data. Additionally, I hope you’ll tolerate my foreshadowing of imminently foul language because I find myself inescapably compelled to highlight in crystallizing color that yes, oh indeed, you have physically felt the goddamn motherfucking change in both/either your precious, earthly bones and/or your beating, bloody heart. A tribalistic state of/in denial plots a collision course with a not-so-marvelous place for which one might borrow the doubly apropos name “Knowhere.”

To be completely honest, strong beliefs may have hijacked my usually level head in the previous paragraph which I’ve elected not to omit as exemplification of my human propensity to err. In other words, no offense! In lingo that symbolizes today’s average attention span, xoxo, kthxluvucul8erbai.

With ingrained emotions so thoroughly unchecked, a complex balance simply cannot be. Outside two-way streets of empathetic understanding, constructive debates won’t occur. That’s where fights break out and dominoes fall toward full-fledged mob scenes.

Perhaps I’m kidding myself by wishing that we’d all stop kidding ourselves.

As a people, we’ve had a rough go of it lately, wouldn’t you say? Who hasn’t been jaded by our politics in the last few years? How many of us [Machiavellians, narcissists, and psychopaths not included] derive enjoyably worthwhile substance from keeping up with the news?

Whether from dramatic or comedic perspectives, negativity saturates popular lifestyles. En masse, we’re getting darker at a pace too sluggish to perceive en route toward becoming desensitized by what matters most while dancing at any chance to get in on the unjust behavior taught by our brand spanking new (and moronically self-defeating) call-out culture. Kill a man at a packed mall and the action gets lost in the shuffle within days, but tell a dirty joke a decade ago and suddenly a minor mole warps into Kilimanjaro.

For all intents and purposes, we’ve mixed up the definitions of sticks and stones with the meaning of the plural term words. Wow, how obtusely discombobulating. No wonder genres blend continuously. Imagine current events as a movie. Are we starring in a black comedy or a light drama? I seriously have no clue. HELP.

Taken however you like, we have been served.

Is this what you ordered?

Me neither.

Don’t panic…

Instead, deconstruct the dish!

Our pungent cauldron of stew boils down to the same stubborn roux. As is the case with any never-ending disagreement, our primary plights bespeak nothing more than a counterproductive itch for clinging fiercely to power—in other words, refusing to relinquish social control today no matter the cost tomorrow.

Of course, boys will be boys, and to that, I’m inclined to pose the following query. Where are all the men hiding?

In an unsolicited piece of advice for any fella aware of his spine, don’t remain seated for too long because it could compromise your (vertebral) integrity.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’m just trying to say that none of us have to chow down on the stinky, sloppy, gross gruel that we are being fed from uptown at the ritzy chophouse.

As it just so happens here in our private saloon’s backroom, a lucky draw has dealt pocket aces in the form of an intangible gift known in some circles as the human spirit.

I know you can feel it because it’s in you.

I know it’s in you because you’re still here.

Once again, howdy.

At this exact moment, you’ve got some combination that at one time may have featured two legs, a voice, and a Herculean survival instinct, all of which were plainly DYING to carry the sum of your parts forward. Assuming you’ve been able to maintain a hot streak, you could still embody the trifecta (if you don’t already).

In other words, go ahead and grow by epitomizing the strength you possess inherently.

Insert your favorite motivational quote here. Something about digging, depth, pursuit, faith, or resilience, perhaps. Whatever floats your boat will fit.

Do you get it yet?

Every major issue in the history of human evolution amounts to an ongoing tug-of-war between lively chaos in the male brain versus undying passion in the female heart, and the preeminent motivation for it all comes from our jointly custodial need for energy in every imaginatively wondrous sense of the word.

In another nutshell, the sexes must “battle” in order to progress.

Accept it.

Better yet, group up, harness it, and then wield the resulting transparency in fellowship.

To ensure our successful continuance as the most (argumentatively) adaptable species the earth has ever known, we actually do need the friction.

Use more of it wisely lest we lose all wholly.

Awareness and acknowledgement of a common need permits the opportunity to lubricate. Right here feels like a fine spot for deliberate insertion of a fun fact. Ya see, friction without adequate lubrication leads to burning before breakage [contemplate earthquakes as an example]; whereas, in a palpably divine, phenomenally volcanic twist, copiously greased—okay, get outta my head and fill in your own blanks!

On that note, the mind is a gift; therefore, no matter the application, let your imagination run wild, and please do share with us more of your thoughts.

After all, there is a point to our coded (English) language. We’ve been leaving ourselves clues all along. Don’t nom on all the breadcrumbs like a hungry hippo; follow them and see where they lead. Although fundamentally we must compete for an identical birthright to live in this, the grandest of all staged contests, we needn’t fight to the death. Competition can be equally productive, cooperative, and recreational if we decide to let it.

Maybe it’s just me, but I think we can allow this.

Yes, in fact, I wholeheartedly believe that now we should be tough/smart enough as a whole to avow past recollection and reassemble the raft we must share in order to galvanize our path toward the promised land of a better future.

We each occupy our own place inside the same vessel floating across an ocean of space on a maiden voyage in an Ironman Triathlon. In other words, the journey could be long, and we only get one shot at winning.

When our eldest mother’s nature [keep in mind that technically she is bipolar] obliges her to hurl the entire kitchen sink—doesn’t matter if she misses by a country mile—you can bet the whole farm that every last boat in the pond will drink [i.e. we’ll all get plowed], meaning truly that our sorrows will be swallowed for keeps.

Have we not yet developed an acute aversion to unmitigated disaster?

Not to be confused with the attraction of wishing in prayer to the misinterpreted god who falsely ganked our thunderous truth, I have it on good authority {from a time-traveler, believe it or not} that we should be thinking for ourselves, hoping aloud, and thanking the lucky star which fuels our days from dawn beyond dusk in almighty majesty.

In the meantime, let cooler heads emerge from those smelly crevices—there’s a better way to access and override nervous guts. (I should know since mine have spilled EVERYWHERE.)

All I really mean by that is this: should you happen to find your head holed up in a tight butt, do everyone a favor and yank it out before an unexpectedly sudden gastrointestinal revolt tosses cookies that crumble horribly for your neighbors. As you will see out here in the open, the musically broad show will be more easily heard and seen as anatomically correct polaroids ready unreal visions of technologically savvy, panoramically life-giving, altogether breathtaking, beautifully vintage scenes.

Shut up. Believe me, I know. In other words, you might say that I’m a dreamer, and if so, I’ll confirm your inkling with an unabashed confession. I could be guilty of a lot worse, yes? The world truly could be a much better place than it is at present.

Tell me I’m wrong. In other words, lie to yourself.

At any rate, this leg of our trip winds down. Before bowing to a ill-informed admiral hellbent on walling off and suffocating opportunity, we the people should put deferential end to the petty arguments leaving everyone blue in the face before disembarking in unison while laughing all the way to a tranquil, prosperous riverbank—if only by the hairy, grinning chins covering the brittle skin of our strong, pearly teeth. Dare we then go ashore? I think we dare. After all, we were born to be exploration junkies.

On that note of perchance naive optimism, all signs indicate that you’ll survive the journey through the turbulent rapids in this streaming deluge which permeates our live consciousness. Phew, we made it, hooray. For paying due diligence, I consider myself to be in your debt for an eternity, and you have my most genuine thanks—not only for taking the bait {thereby empowering my caboose}, but also for sticking around once derailing (repeatedly) after the switch. Claim that we haven’t connected and I’ll gladly call your bluff. I’m exhausted, too, but this was all in the name of good fun. I swear!

Whoever you may be, your soul, body, and mind carry an exceedingly complicated burden that—all together now—would gradually, definitively, and indefinitely simplify if only we’d start choosing to distribute the monumental weight of our ruling presence [one by two times four] evenly around the world.

Welcoming an eleventh-hour arrival of a buoyant solution to the monstrous mess we’ve inherited, neglected, mismanaged, disregarded, and exacerbated couldn’t be any easier. In the brave name of absolution, justice, and freedom forevermore, please be, go, do, and share.

No matter how adrift we might seem along the rollercoaster of amusing sights held together over time by this whirling prism of finite color, once we form a unified band, our infinite truth may be discovered at long last, and rightfully so.

In other words, I’m sending out an S.O.S. since I’m convinced that the time has come to get off the pot before we finish taking this massively elongated dump inside the fracturing bedrock of our skyrocketing melons.

To abbreviate a very lengthy, certifiably mind-numbing, wildly repetitive story built with the creeping gusto of an earth-shattering tsunami after originating from the serendipitous acquisition of the lifeform I now more affectionately than ever call Gomer the Pile, fungi must gulp before bulbs can pop, brains may storm until thinking caps, hotly sly dogs make it rain on the coolly clever cats who reign supreme in an endless fog of trivial spats, and wise women clean our clocks inside tidy houses of tiny cards as the old men snore while grinning sheepishly on account of speeding cars, breaking pars, smoking cigars, picking guitars, waving scimitars, seeing stars, earning scars, razing bars, and burying junk in oily holes to spread corruptive seeds of rotten power from afar as well as in (y)our own backyard.

To further reduce the preceding abbreviation, a glad girl’s mood may set the stage for both herself and a fun guy to be fruity on the way to having a gay old time.

That’s what it’s all about {kinda}.

Also, I’m thrilled to declare with confidence that your shrewd spirit must be remarkably benevolent for braving my mad stab at artsy science. Thanks again (squared). If you have something to say, by all means, comment away without hesitation on the stage of your choosing.

And for the final iteration of the same story couched within other words once more for good measure, an apple’s skin would rather not convert to orange; in turn, the face of an orange can be deadly when red.

OMG, go figure.

We’re dying here, everybody!

(LITERALLYYYYYYYYY.)

Woohoo, choo-choo, toodle-oo, too.

For now.

For you.

For me.

For us.

And for potentiating our future by reining in the triangular balance bestowed by emotions, circling facts, and brainpower.

We got this, y’all.

Always,
T